Tragic Shadows

2012-01-29T06:36:00.000-08:00

Seriously, there's just too many photos. I'm gonna have to sleep now, 8am class on a Monday :/

continue from the previous post.

2012-01-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Chinese New Year.

(Sorry, me being me. Always have the habit of late wishes. Better than nothing, yes?)

After reading through my previous post, i realized that i completely leave the boy out when his surprise was far off than the word amazing. I think amazing is an understatement. The effort and time that he put into making sure that he got the right present, hand-made birthday card,(i like hand-crated things. Makes it more genuine and sincere from the heart.) bringing me to places where i want to eat, fetching me home, sending me off, being my personal rider and the late-night less than 30minutes meetup. You're just too much sugar for my sweet tooth Mr S!

So yes , back to my gung ho gong-xi fa cai mood hehe.

The bestfriend came over to SG again, yeay! Such a pleasure surprise wake up call, hearing her voice on the other line saying she's back in this little red dot! Went over to her place at the far end of Jurong where all our fellow strong handy construction men are always hanging out. Oh what joy ? Hang around, had our fair share of nicotine , laughed at malay drama due to their bad acting. My biggest pet peeves : bad acting. Please if you can't act, don't force yourself cause you're only gonna end up looking stupid for everyone to watch.

After awhile,Mahera came and we took pictures. What do you expect three girls to be doing with a camera and a tripod that's just on the ground in a stationary position collecting dust!

(Will upload ALL the pictures soon, really sorry)

Ika's brother helped customize my phone, download all the new theme, keyboard pattern bla bla bla about all this advance technology bla bla bla the interface bla bla bla. All i know right now is that my theme is really cute, the icons moves around in a circular motion! HOW COOL IZ THAT !?

&The rest of the evening was spent sending Ika off at Harbourfront, had a quick dinner with her two quirky yet interesting brothers. The two boys who i've watched growing up. ahhhh reminds me how fast time flies.zzzzzzzzz

2012-01-23T05:53:00.000-08:00

7JANUARY

Sorry for the lack of update, it's so hard to keep a simple promise to myself. My new year resolution hasn't been fully ticked off. Most of the time i'm late to meet my friends, it's either due to the bad public transportation or....it's just me? The other resolution was to constantly blog, look where it got me now?

So anyways, on my birthday , the bestfriend came to Singapore! Such a nice feeling to have the one person who knows me so well to be here on my birthday. Really thankful that she came despite all the trouble that she had to go through , from losing her ferry ticket, things at home and etc.

Couldn't ask for anything else than having my bestfriend here with me in Singapore, especially on the day that i turn a year older. Hopefully a year wiser.......doubt that cause i stupidly alight at the wrong mrt station knowing that im late, i put on a poker face and went back on the same cabin. People might think im playing hide and seek with them.. no ?

Reached harbourfront, met the girl, ate lunch, talk . Normal things that we do , a lot of catching up , story telling and updates. We had prata at Banquet, didn't know that it would be so expensive. 6+ for 2 piece prata! Isn't that a little too much to ask for a mixture of plain flour, water and egg??! I would be outraged if i was broke and had the biggest urge to eat prata, but lucky for me i had money. NOTICE THE WORD "HAD" .

The initial plan was to have lunch/early dinner with my parents for a little mini celebration for my birthday, but since the bestfriend had to leave sg by 8pm (i think), time is not really on our side to just relax, walk , talk , joke and plus we'll be a little restricted if my parents were there.

Mahera came along after that, since the two of them already knew each other there's no awkwardness or whatsoever. Got a purse for my birthday from my favorite hamster! Thanks babygirl.

2012-01-11T08:27:00.000-08:00

I am extremely upset right now, for the fact that you tell me things that would lift me up to just disagree with my whole plan! ugrh

2012-01-07T09:33:00.001-08:00

Blogging soon about 2012 and my 19th!

2012-01-05T03:03:00.001-08:00

2011-2012

Celebrating new years,watching the fireworks and hoping for a better start is importa

nt for some, but for the others it's just another excuse to go out, get wasted and dance away all their 2011 sorrows. I don't know what it is for me, but im one of the few dreamers

who hopes for a better year, having my friends around me as the clock strikes 12 and watching our parent's tax money firing in the sky that causes air pollution. (Okay ,enough one

being all green mash ! You're one of the few who contributed to air pollution since you smoke.) --> one of my weirdest antics: talking to myself.

So let's list down the things i've achieved/done/accomplished/discovered during 20

11 in chronological order.

1) Had my first real job with FJbenjamin, wasn't really quite sure if retail was my thing but i got the hang of emotional dissonance. Smiling at customers who treated me like shit, well that's life isn't it? Being thrown around to different outlets, getting to know people, having to be we

ll accustomed to different surroundings when the phone ring begging for

an extra help since it was during Chinese New Year.

2)USS with my all time favorite boy for by late birthday celebration. Spent the entire day walking around what seems to be a never ending place but ironically the little "Cities" are just next to each other in a circle! The place is not that big after all.

3)Went across the border with the boyfriend, although it's not that far but having our passport chopped together was a big deal for me since i'm 10 years old in everyone's eyes at home. Had lots of food, did a little shopping in preparation for school since there's no more uniform and of course the pleasure of cheap nicotine.

4) One of our many mini gatherings, my secondary school friends/primary school friend. We have each other's back. Arab st/bart's bday

5)Managed to get into a POLY. Goodbye blue ezlink, uniforms, sudden spot-check, boring assembly,being in school at 7am, detention and etc. But it's so hard knowing that you wil never be in the same place/classroom as everyone of your classmates:(

6)Bypassing all the awkward introduction in class, having lunch together, smoke break, "rebellious" acts in school like leaving half way, running around shouting vagina, spin the bottle.. in between everything makes me realize how lucky i am to be in a class full of honest, fun and genuinely nice friends. *Thankful*

5)First formal wear in school, how hectic it was to walk around school with heels. Everyone looked so polish, our exterior can compensate on how disgustingly crude our jokes get.

6)Jo's birthday party at Studio M hotel. Surprised that little girl at her house with the others, her shocked face was priceless. Should have brought my camera for that kodak moment!

7)Celebrated Nizam's and Faizal's birthday. Had a surprise for them at um.. i cant remember where, but the two boys were completely clueless.

8) My boy's birthday! Made a card for him cause i always have a thing with hand-made birthday cards. It's more genuine and you might never know how creative one can get with it. Surprised and celebrated his birthday 3 times hehe, cause once is not enough especially when you're bidding goodbye to the teenage years and hello to the big 2-0.

9) My mum's birthday, Seafood dinner with the family, brunch with my sister, monthly movie date with the boyfriends and sisters. What more can i ask for!?

10) E24C awesome class chalet. Food + great company + hady's birthday celebration.

11) sem 2 art/creative concept exhibition. To Chinatown where we act like tourist, Singapore Art Museum where we pretend to be all artsy-fartsy.

12) Had one the my closest cousin staying over in Singapore, it's our thing to watch movies late at night, eat junk foods at the wee morning while having our eyes attached to his mac, talking about almost anything and everything. ahhhhhhh we've been this way since before puberty.

(had this girl over, been ages since i met my little zara hamster )

13) Shafa's and Danny's birthday on December.

14)my clubbing phase, went to zirca almost every weekend when i had the chance.

then it's 2012

2011-12-25T12:42:00.001-08:00

This is my man, spent my Christmas night devouring my favorite Malay delicacy at kampong glam. A well spent day

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

2011-12-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

im so sorry, i am fucked up. i have no direction in life , even this intact compass cant give me a direct path for me to lead. i need time and a lot of it because i need to figure things out. i dont want this to keep on recurring, cause i know you dont want it it. it's my fault, and it has always been. i am never good enough for you

2011-12-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

What does this heart wants? What can i do in order for me to not feel this way? Why am i always in this phase, why cant i be like a normal girlfriend? I don't understand what i want, i dont even know what i want anymore. i hate being in this situation,wait i don't even know what situation i am in. I don't know i don't know i don't know. FUCCCCCKKK.
Sometimes i feel like just being alone, i need a place to hide, a hole where i can squeeze myself in , just me and my thoughts. This thoughts that i have, all these little voices telling me what to do and how to react are all clashing against each other.
Before i had a boyfriend i always know what i expect from him, i need my freedom, i dont want anything holding me against what i initally want to do. However , when time fly past and we get more closer, there's always something that we have to compromise. I know i am one selfish bitch , urgh , why is all these sudden feelings suddenly coming in ? Am i getting my period ? or am i just a little paranoid fucker. urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
decisions, decisions, decisions.

teenage shit

2011-12-04T22:59:00.001-08:00

I want freedom, im sure im not the only teenager who yearns for that right now. I want to be able to do whatever my heart desire without having any barrier that holds me against my wish. Im so scared that my decision would hurt people who I care most about, but at the same time I've been thinking about all the possible scenarios that can happen but is it worth all that I've been through? I know im still young and at my prime age, the age where I myself have to figure things out, make as many mistakes as I can and learn from them. But will the mistakes actually mould be to become a better person? What the hell do I even know ?! This mixed feelings isn't doing any justice to myself, and I have been through this road countless times but why am I still the person I am today ? I just dont want to regret my whole entire life when something I treasure so much slip away knowing that im the cause for this catastrophe. Fuck, I am so dramatic.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

2011-11-11T11:17:00.001-08:00

I hate when these things happen, small little argument which could lead into something juvenile that we i or we would laugh about later. BUT for now, this period sucks.
My vagina is bleeding (in a lack of a better word), wait, no screw that! I am not gonna justify for anything crude coming out from my mouth because my rational is internation. Everyone knows not to piss a bleeding girl and you caught me on the wrong me.
There i was rushing to watch your perform and i got shouted at, yes i know you might be kidding. I was okay for the first few parts but slowly it's crawling right under my skin.
Hello, just so you know, there was a fucking jam at the express way and i was on the bike for more than half an hour, cut me some slack dammit!

2011-11-07T01:35:00.000-08:00

Parvi and i during our boring Media Production module, how ironic is it having a module that is productive while my classmate and i are doing nothing productive

2011-11-07T01:27:00.000-08:00

It's one of those spur of the moment when i just feel like writing, ah it feels so good to be able to pour of my feelings. Let me feelings sync with my fingers on the keyboard.
I am really addicted to Phantogram right now, lucky i was on youtube listening to some Indie playlist and my fingers just had to click on a related video which brings me to them ! The front girl kind of remind me of the girl from The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, pardon me for not remembering her name. It's not that she's insignificant to me or anything, but i just cant seem to remember.

Whilst having an awesome track plugged into me ears, my OB notes are under process. Yes , i know i have been doing it for 3 days and it's still not complete yet, i'm sorry but all the other social networking platforms are way more interesting than all the resources, powerpoints and worksheets that i have to read through in order for me to fully understand and grasp the whole idea of what i need to know. I'm a perfectionist, control freak, over-achiever, procrastinator, walking contradiction and etc. To make it a little more simpler, i am a walking paradox!

Off to finish off my notes, this fillet o fish in my tummy isn't doing much justice:( i need to lose weight. Like any other girl (or is it just me?) i have problem with the way my body is right now. I know i ought to be happy and thankful with what i have, but i'm only human and my flaws are over-shadowing everything that i believe in:(

2011-08-11T22:56:00.000-07:00

i hate RP, i hate programming. It doensn't make sense, fuck. No fucking relation to my motherfucking course , i hate math . URGH , i am in Poly not in a fucking secondary school. If i want to do math, i would have repeated my fucking secondary 5 year and add another year to the rudendant 5long chebye years. URGH i am so fucking pissed, 1) for the fucking fact that my laptop switches off on me for several fucking fun. It's new, it's not even half a year. WHAT THE FUCK DOES ALL THESE TECHONOLY GADGET WANTS FROM ME?!

i am sensitive, so fucking deal with it. If i can take cautions of what i say ,then you should to.
FUCK

2011-08-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

what the fuck ? seriously what the fuck?
i just got this fucking laptop for not more than a year and it has shown it's fucking bitchyness to me. TO ME, THE FUCKING OWNER.
FUCK EVERYTHING

2011-06-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

I am sad and noone can save me, i am destined to be alone forever. I don't deserve anything good.

bye

2011-05-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

i am so tired already ,this is only the second week and eventhough time flies really fast in tertiary life with all the presentation and hectic work and meeting all the fucking deadly.... i am still so fucking tired .

2011-04-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

Although the bad weather hijacked our organized plan for USS, nothing beats a fun day out with the boyfriend. Especially today, to look back at where we were 27months ago was worth it. Here's to our awesome 27th months and a whole lifetime together. (Insyallah)

2011-04-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

What Every 11 Of The Month Means To Me The best part of me has always been you. (this post will be updated soon)

2011-04-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm officially starting school next week, i have this sudden feeling to be a good blogger. This blog has been dead, eventhough i posted afew liners it still doesn't do much justice to my blog which is 8years old. I'm actually turn to a green-eyed-monster everytime i stumble into someone's blog, someone who's diligent enough to blog religious cause , hey im sure there's someone in this world who's curious to know how you've been ..who you've been doing(no?) and where's your favourite hang out place. Soooo i decided to kick in the blogger in me! yeay

Last Saturday , which is the second last weekend for me to just relax and think about nothing of the importance that can make my heart throb like a bitch since school is starting soon. I know i know i have been talking a lot about RP and i was actually excited to start a fresh beginning in a new school, new friends, environment etc etc..but tertiary life for me somehow makes me feel like an adult already. You know what i mean! I cant be screwing up everytime and tertiary life and ways are not as flexible as how secondary was.

So yeah , getting back to last Saturday.. i was out and about, well not really. Who am i kidding right? I havent been in the partying scene lately, not that i ever was apart of any. But the all the plans that i used to have after O's vanished,cause now i don't see the point anymore. I rather spend my weekends with my friends and family. Sitting down somewhere serene and calm , laugh talk smoke the usual "Sex and the City" activity.. but minus of the sex cause it's haram haha. Sheesha at Arab Street since it's like a religious routine for my sister's boyfriend, noone objected the plan cause we all had nothing to do and just hanging out and just talking has never been a bore (!!) cause you're with the sisters!

I had my dinner at KGC, that's Kampong Glam Cafe in abbreviation. I love the Mee Soto, though it's instant! Quoted from the malay man just cause he's explaining the delay of my boyfriend's food doesn't mean he have to make mine look bad ! Okay okay , going to continue and erase the comment that he made about my food!

Actually , the main highlight of my Saturday is that my sisters and I oh yeah and of course the boyfriend also were stuck in my sister's office! We had to wait for our hero aka the Cisco guy to fix whatever it has to be fixed. For the rest of the waiting period, which was about half and hour or so was dedicated to my second sister cause all she want is a nice shot of her and the new ring that she got from Abang Adib. Narcissistic much?Guess it runs in the family. The night ends well except for i didnt get to spend much time with the boyfriend and he got pretty blearghh about it, but im sure you'll get your redemption on Monday .

Oh speaking of Monday , it' s our 27th months being together, woahhhhh. Love you SX3

2011-03-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

This can't be right, i know who i am and what i want in life.. but right now i dont know why my thoughts and feelings are so vague? How can this be that im unsure of something that has always been so apparent?

2011-03-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

My lenovo can seriously suck my imaginary dick.

2011-03-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when i have all the time in the world, i lay down and think about what kind of a person i've grown into. It frightens me to think that when the day has come for him to eventually take me away from this world, im not prepared to save myself for the afterlife that awaits for me. I myself definitely know that i am not the perfect role model not just as a human being itself but as a muslim. The recent news that has been buzzing non-stop has really made me think.. that it's time for me to put all the grudge aside and forgive people. If the almighty is able to forgive those that has sinned , why not me? Im just a human being with no significance. ahhh i think im just thinking too much now since i cant put my tired head to rest

2011-03-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

I had a great time with people who used to be in the same school as me, people who I'm most comfortable with and who would accept me at any state i am. The great laugh, memories and jokes we had can never be forged with anyone else except for you guys. No wonder time went pass even without me realizing it has been a whopping 5 years! It's good to take a breather once in awhile since i've been folding, hanging , steaming and attending to others' needs except for mine. I heard about the catastrophe that has hit other countries, all the damage that it has caused, the lives that has been sacrificed.. i just cant help but to think about Judgement Day... made me shiver to my bones

2011-02-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

My handsome boy

2011-02-24T11:02:00.000-08:00

Today has been one of those days when my heart feels at ease and my body has been fully charged by the more than ample sleep that i had. Though my mum has been hitting on my last nerve ever since i told her that im going out for awhile, as usual, my mum being the woman of the house will always have something to say whenever i plan on leaving the house to meet the friends or what not. Put that aside, i finally had my picture id taken after like what 3 years? Oh my, time really do flies huh? In 2 weeks time, i'll be saying goodbye to retail and on to doing what im most good at, which is lazing around the house. BUT, i really do intend to do something productive.Hopefully i can finally tick a few of the "must do after O's " list before entering to the tertiary life. Need to push away all the procrastination and get things done,like my wardrobe is in a mess and i can't seem to find what i want to wear for work(!!) and hence that's why most of the time, i'll be rushing to the bustop and keeping my finger crosssed that IRIS would reply saying the bus is on it's way.
I never really know how to officially end a good post, but i hope this would do ?

Good night people

2011-02-22T08:40:00.000-08:00

my vagina bone still hurts, i hate walking with my platform shoes knowing that my boobs are being noticed.

2011-02-18T12:50:00.000-08:00

other half

2011-02-18T11:55:00.001-08:00

sometimes i dont understand my body system, whenever im working on the next day i'll tend to sleep later on the night before. but if it's my off day tomorrow, i'll feel so lethargic that i'll get mad if the boyfriend wants to extend the time we're on the phone. i guess my body just dont want to cooperate with me at situations like this, but anyways, time well spent with the boy on Friday. Took the liberty to request for an off day although the initial schedule had me on the selling floor on Friday, thank god my manager is understanding. Went to vivo cause the boy wanted a new phone since he's contract was finally over. Voila! a mobile phone full with all the great features, a good companion for him if he's waiting for me to get ready. hehe.

2011-02-15T09:07:00.000-08:00

I've always have mixed thoughts/feelings about almost everything that's occuring now.
Like for example, i'm pissed, sad and dissapointed with how this is going to. It's not us to fight like this for a reason too small, it could be solved a long time ago if you actually think rationally. I think i've done enough in my part, so i guess it's your turn now.
:(

2011-02-10T09:54:00.001-08:00

25months together with the boy and we've past all those bridges, barriers, hurdles, laughter, joy, tears,adventures, mishaps and all the other experiences which will never be forgotten. Thank you so much for being there, you're the only one who i can count on at 4am in the morning or even when im craving for some Kampong Glam Mee Soto. Can you actually believe that it has been 2years 1 month since we were at that playground, where you first brought up the question in your little sneaky creative way. With you i feel at peace (eventhough the mother has been calling non-stop for me to come home) you're the only person- who's not related to me at anyways (i hope not)- who i can actually truly be myself. Be the person whom i've know for all these 18years. I am inside out with you and i hope you feel likewise.

XOXO

2011-02-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

sometimes i curse my bladder

2011-02-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

as always, i need to spice up a little here.

2011-02-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

time well spent with ika, just the two of us with nicotine sticks in her room.

reminiscing about the old days while reading my old blog before i was in secondary school. fucking hilarious to think how shallow i was back then, i wrote everything that happen in my life along with the exact timing. now, im just to fucking lazy to really bother about things going on. it's good to know that there's always that someone who would be there for you regardless how far you guys are apart, the distance is not a barrier, well i have to thank technology and all the smart people who have created and invented it to make our life more convenient. kudos to all you geeks! Tomorrow, or later to be exact is Chinese New Year, happy new year to all my chinese or buddha friends! I'm fucking working at Ion tomorrow, oh the joy of getting double pay per hour, but i hate it whenever im being transferred to other outlets! I have to quickly adjust to the fast pace surrounding and all the impatience customer. fuck

2011-01-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

have a weird feeling that i'd be posted anywhere else, but just no NP

2011-01-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

my laptop has a mind of its own, it wont switch on at any time. it'll only be extremely good on certain part of the day. i hope my personal computer guy would bring back the old cera who i knew. cera referring to my laptop. anyways, this wednesday will be the announcement of the jae posting. i think my hands would tremble as i click the "Read" button on my phone. fuck fuck fuck so fucking scared fuck. NP please take me in!

2011-01-20T22:54:00.000-08:00

listening to all the artist who are gonna perform at laneway, still thinking if i should spend 1o5.90 to catch foals and also to be standing in between music enthusiast. hmzz

2011-01-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

I honestly hope i wont get sick, again. cause my head feels heavy , my body is aching and my fucking shoulders need some thai massage without the extra service haha, sorry i always feel that theres a need to add some dirty punch to serious topics. On a different note, i really really like innocent boys.

2011-01-19T09:29:00.000-08:00

Another thing , where do all these women from the third world country get their men?!

I mean , they speak little to none of the English language and obviously(for me ) is the main barrier to their relationship cause without communication , relationship would at least last for a span for a week. Maybe that's what they are looking for? But i somehow doubt it because they wouldn't want to spend a thousand dollars or so , for someone who's gonna be out of their life after a few hardcore passionate sex. Sorry, guess I'm just a little jealous cause they can shop like fuck while i cater to their every need, trying so hard to understand their English behind that thick fucking accent. Sorry again, don't know why I'm cursing. hahahhah. WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE MEN?! HAHAH

2011-01-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

today i scrubbed my feet ,cause my sole was wearing out literally .

i had nothing much for my break except for a stick of nicotine, people watching - which has no

benefit at all cause everyone looked dead- and of course my heaven and earth ice lemon tea which has been a basic necessity to my needs. The people were nice, nice because i feel the word nice is a little to common. Its behavior expected from one, and no one likes to be the black sheep. So being nice is more of a compulsory unspoken rule. What im writing has no meaning at all, its simply words in my head. Images that's still in my memory from what has happen before or still is happening. Just normal thoughts that i feel more comfortable typing out than saying it to others. I hope tomorrow is a better day, but.. as much as i hope it to be, it's gonna be the same old thing, or hopefully not.

Oh yeah , on the other note, the word hope has been bothering me a lot.

Night

2011-01-18T00:48:00.000-08:00

Dear B,

i need to stop having reoccurring dreams that makes me cry when i'm not conscious. This is slowly getting to me, i can picture everything in my head and honestly i'm scared.

2010-12-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

At times like this when my mind is filled with thoughts, thoughts that can never really spill out once my fingers are on the keyboard. so, as everyone who is related to me via any social network, later would be my first day. new environment, people and requirement to adapt to. I think i'd do pretty fine with adapting to new situation and scenes. All i have to do is swallow it all up and try to have the fuck it attitude. My fuck it attitude might be different, i dont think it's even allowed to be called fuck it , if im going to succumb to any emotional breakdown.. which i think i would fail myself tremendously if i wanted to carry on with the "Fuck it" attitude. Which i honestly think that i shouldnt kid myself cause there is no such thing as that.

2010-11-29T12:40:00.000-08:00

I think i should finally shut the lid and sleep, but there's so much in my mind. Stop please before it explodes

2010-11-29T10:48:00.001-08:00

Dear Cera, you have disappointed me once again, you've failed to come alive, you've failed to revive even from being hibernated. I don't think i can even arrange my words properly, i am everything that is related to a heart that is being shattered into many pieces. It can only be mend if you're still operating like you used to. Why do you have to change for the worse, was it me ? Did i let you socialize with the wrong web and left you astray unprotected, vulnerable to anything that could harm you. I don't think that it is remotely my fault. You are well protected with the best anti-virus software which i've installed not long ago. You've been injected so that nothing could penetrate through you, why did you gave me hope yesterday ? Why did you suddenly decide to be well again and then start to go back to your deteriorate-self. I hope you realize how sad i am to have something like you, that is cost so much to be not functioning well. My father bought you with his own hard-work money, doles that he has rightfully earn to keep his little daughter happy.

This is how sad, depressed and bored i am.

In a lack of a better word, my laptop is down. I think , sometimes it would decide to on, and and on other not so lucky days it would be a bitch.

2010-11-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

I think i should really give some justice to my blog since i am completely free from being a martyr of education. I am glad that this phase is over, but of course behind all that joy and having the heavy pressure being lifted off from me, i will never forget those in Yuhua Secondary who has molded me into who i've become. Fuck i'm cheesy.

Now i think i should do what most bloggers would, writing about my feelings, past and present itinerary and maybe jot done and a few other things, but right now.. there's nothing to be in my head. Except for hoping my phone would magically ring or beep which would lead me into having a job. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee, i seriously need money right now. I cant stand walking around town and being dazed with what all the shops has to offer! Anyways, going to sidetrack right now cause thinking about money would only make me more unhappy than i am. The boyfriend is with the boys playing monopoly deal or no deal, which i think is the coolest game ever invented. It's so smart and addictive. I mean, which game isn't ? right?

2010-11-09T12:07:00.001-08:00

everything is going great between me and mr S, i couldn't ask for more. i cant believe that im ending my major exams in 2 days! how time flies fast when you're stomach is frequently filled with butterflies and worries. its already 4.09 and i'll be seating for my second last paper in a few hours time. should get my sleep before i start forgetting everything that i've installed in my head.

hopefully i get i the job that i've applied earlier, if not it'll just be me and my fairytale pajamas locked in the painted pink room with 5 very comfortable pillows along with spongebob pillow casing.

2010-10-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

ive been filling my voids by having the greatest company from the girls and the huge load of work that i have to cover for the big exams. it suddenly hit me, during my solitary moment that is when so many things in my mind. unpleasant things that reality has to offer to this emotionally unstable 17years old. i've been making all the wrong choices and decision, i'm terribly sorry. you dont know how sorry i am. to feel this emptiness, out of nowhere reappearing again. each time i wake up, or before i'm about to sleep. those are the moments where im all alone, just me and my thoughts. my eyes are tired of crying, all this while i thought i know what i want and who i am. but within afew weeks everything turns vague and im lost. noone else can be a substitute of you even though they met all the qualities you posses. my heart belongs to one and it take me this long to know, im sorry if this is too late. i cant take this anymore, i am miserable. i am going insane, nuts, crazy, mental and all the other synonym that has got to do with one being in an abnormal state. i miss you, i miss us.But if you still choose to stick with your decision, it's your choice and i cant force you cause thats now how it's suppose to be. I'm gonna be okay

as i lay down, with the silence by my side. i came to realize that its time like this that i've been wanting to avoid. time of solitude.

2010-10-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

2010-09-23T12:08:00.000-07:00

for this past few days i couldn't get my eyes to shut and my mind to be at ease. i dont know what's wrong with me, but im more than sure that this is not how it's suppose to be. am i anticipating too much from myself? i'm letting go slowly, my heart doesn't seem to know what it wants anymore. it's empty and i hope that by time i'll show me what it really wants. hope it's not too late. feelings, i cant even describe what i'm feeling currently.

i am miserable

2010-09-23T12:04:00.001-07:00

i have this tendency of not letting myself be happy for too long. when everything fall in place, my heart feels like i don't deserve it. for some reason, i slowly believe and agree with all this tiny voices in my head. voices that comes when my heart feels whole. maybe i'm insane.

2010-08-26T10:19:00.001-07:00

you're delicate, is this a dream? cause everything seems to be in place. everything that i've thought of and never really express it verbally answered my own question of seeking my own happiness. or shall i say comfort zone in someone unexpected in the beginning. i'm sorry, but i am still learning and still adjusting to what i've been gripping on for quite sometime now. i know i might be a snail at this, but this feeling can only be felt by someone who is whole. this train of thought suddenly came up, the entire august has been an ordeal since it's the fasting month and everyone has switched to their pious/hypocrite ways. no secret that i'm one of them ,right after it marks the end of the fasting month, i'm back to being me. which i am me right now, but a little more cautious of the surroundings, take notice of what i'd be wearing and trying to cut off words that might actually eat people alive. i dont know what this post aim to prove or show but i've been concealing away from cyber, so thought i might drop by to write .

2010-08-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

this is fun, what ive written early vanished completely in just one wrong click. thats how life is too, right? anything could flip the other side round with the slightest hit. like how the metronome works,the tempo would change and nothing would be the same as before.

fuck, i need more time. i know complaining would get me no where and this is definitely what the 2009 mash didnt anticipate for. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

2010-08-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

i cant help but to just sit and let everything pass by me. this is now how i pictured it to be, i'm letting my mojo go little by little and soon im gonna regret it. i know. i need a wake up call, i've combat the previous battle against myself for being such a slot and i know i can do it again.

2010-08-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

3rd August 1991, something amazing happen that eventually changes my life. Thank you for being apart of my life sal, i love you so much.

It is still your birthday, only until friday, 12pm.

Cause i say so !

2010-07-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

if it makes anyone feel better, i am no where ready to be sitting for the big O's.

i know it seems like i've been giving my all by the updates in facebook,but i just feel that it's not good enough.

2010-06-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

school is starting in less than 24hours time. i am not looking forward to anything that is related to education , but i have to suck it up and get back on my feet. Reality is calling me out.

my babygirl is back, im so glad that i can finally open up about everything to her.

LOVE YOU IKA

2010-06-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

This is only the beginning nad, hehe. love you

2010-06-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Farhan!

Sorry for smashing the egg on your head, hehe but im never sorry for being your friend:)

Hope tomorrow will be better, cant wait cant wait!

2010-06-20T14:25:00.001-07:00

soon, i promise soon.

2010-06-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

days im out for soccer. hehe

2010-06-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

are there actually anyone who would read my plain and late updated blog?
TELL ME, I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW

2010-06-20T12:42:00.001-07:00

Currently multi tasking while watching Brazil trashing it's opponent, couldn't be bothered to remember who they're playing against. Both goals are from the same player, kudos Brazil. This has got to be the only post that i have regarding soccer. The boyfriend would be thinking if this is really Mash who's watching soccer. Contrary to what others might think, i actually do enjoy doing stuff normal boys would and that makes me perfectly the same as other girls. Cause in this world we live in, there's nothing so epic and queer anymore cause everyone would be doing the same shit. So many things i'd like to share but i dont feel like right now is the time for me to, am sleeping over at Liy's on Wednesday, that'll definitely screams out fun. Can't wait till Ika's back from Manado, too many girly talks that we have yet to get started on and i need some massage, spa and my hair needs some fixing pronto!

Yesterday was a well spent, started plain and average. The normal days that would have been spennt with the boyfriend, however, the night shifted way better. Ended up being home around 3 or 4 plus. Pictures will do the talking, but not now cause i dont think I'd be able to carry on with that. AHHHHHHHHHH 3 FOR BRAZIL, TAKE THAT! WOOO .ok my minds off from here. bye

2010-06-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

this isnt the way for you to do this, i am 17. not 10 or 9

2010-06-14T03:50:00.001-07:00

why i love this boy so much

2010-06-14T03:44:00.001-07:00

now, im lying down with my body immobile except for fingers moving around the keyboard. i know i have lots to complete but lying down without the lights on, dawn's breaking in and everything seems fine is what i've been wanting to do this holiday.
world cup fever is here, im not much of a soccer fan but isnt it nice to feel something different when sitting next to people who are soccer enthusiast?

2010-05-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

2010-05-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

i am a big let down, i made you frown, i shed that tears.
it's my fault that it has to happen this way. i am being selfish, i am being very typical.
you touched my heart, my soul, you changed my life, we made promises and i had to break it.
nothing in this world can ever emphasize on how remorse i am. i dont care about anything anymore.
please, hate me already. leave me, i cant bare this.
i just cant.

i cannot live without you,you have been the one for me,
and i know that cause i don't feel whole anymore. i dont.

2010-04-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

im one of the few who doesnt deserve happiness,really.
how can we all pretend to paste a smile on our face or to even carry on with such facade even when we know shit's happening everywhere.
what the fuck is wrong with me ?

2010-04-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

i respect people who has formspring account cause im too much of a pussy to let anyone ask me anything freely.

sorry ?

2010-04-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

"You were the first nice guy I met after so many bad ones. And I didn’t know if you were the one or just the first good one, so I went out and met some more guys. Some of them were fine, but none of them were you."
Men In Trees

2010-04-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01. Mash
02. Masyitah
03. short

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. Breast
02. armpit
03. hips

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
01. thighs
02. arm
03. breast

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
01. God
02. Love
03. Ghost

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01. handphone
02. bag
03. shade/specs

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING NOW:
01. accesorize ribbon hair band
02. black levis specs
03. snow white pj

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
01. Placebo
02. Lykke Li
03. Sondre Lerche

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (RIGHT NOW):

01. broken- Life house
02. beggin
03. nothing on you (dont question me!)

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
01. im a serious party animal at heart
02. i love staying at home
03. i am in love but unsure

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01. taller than me, of course.
02. smart, or at least has something in common
03. personality

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
01. New York
02. Paris
03. Bangkok

2010-04-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

i dont know what to do know, my intact compass(heart) is dodgy.Its not directing or leading me to somewhere direct and confirmed. Now then i come to finally realise that life is like a never ending race once you are fully open to what it has to offer. Choice, choice, choice. I need more time, thats the only way for me to contemplate.

2010-03-31T10:58:00.001-07:00

i hope this does justice to my blog!

fuck,where the fuck is the undo button?

2010-03-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since i really write something proper.
something that involves a little itinerary update, current emotion and events that's coming up or will be anticipated. However, i don't see the point anymore to update people with this mono-straight-boring life cycle of mine.Maybe what i say is a little hyperbole for the people who knows me well enough cause there's always something for me to share during recess. panas!*with the same tone and expression as fazura* I should learn to take things easy and not to think so much of the outcome,about me is that i don't like doing things on impulse. That'll only happen if I'm being caught off guard, which most of the time i try to be rational. Again, lets think about the factor, me, a 17 years old girl. What is being rational to me?
Aren't i suppose to be carefree, laid-back and do things at the very last minute and not give a penny worth about what's going to happen afterwards?
Again, I'm thinking too much! Stop mash, it will only complicate and make things more complex that it's already is.

Don't worry, all this thought and feelings are shooting in too fast. faster than the speed of light. (haha, physic!) i don't understand how i can actually think of something to laugh at when im at this mode.

AH FUCK, I HAVE TO WILLINGLY LEND MY SISTER MY LITTLE NEW BABY! (laptop)
i should go to heaven for this.

2010-03-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

i feel like writing and expressing everything that has been lingering in my head, but this thoughts just cant seem to flow out in any form. time check, its 3am, ungodly hours for any right mind school teenager to be wide awake. Im trying to sleep but i feel a huge pang thats been tossed not long ago. Main aim of the tossed was right on the red verticles. This is the ideal time and proper post for me to use the current catch and "hip" phrase. FML

2010-03-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

im good, im gone.

2010-02-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

Macs = defeats the purpose of my 2010 resolution hence im forced to start all over again

2010-02-08T06:45:00.001-08:00

This space is an abode to all the little minuscule dust particles.
sec 5 isn't going smooth for me, in my part i think that i still should have started way way earlier for N's.
We are never really grateful for the outcomes that we've anticipated so much for.
Maybe I'm alone that stands in the category stated above.
Hope this year would pass by quickly cause i don't know how long i can bear being a martyr
of education, but then again i do like like the challenge.

walking contradiction.

2010-01-26T06:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what I'm doing now, not sure if i should continue memorizing even though i know my brain cant take it anymore. It cannot absorb anymore more word or I'll just blank off the next day seeing the question paper. Quoted from the boyfriend "its only a test, it wont affect your O's" i know i know i know, but I'll feel guilty when i don't study or know fully.

i need a chill pill.
January started off with library after school for almost everyday.
oh joy joy joy joy joy joy joy

2010-01-26T02:16:00.000-08:00

Last i had fun and carefree consecutive days.

i know, we're so behind when new prints were the "in" thing .

This is coming to the end of the first month of 2010, all this years I've combat the so call "wars" in school and at last this is the final year. i am still too shag to give a fuck to anything else that has no connection to education because i want a smile on my face next year while holding the result slip in my hand.

have got to stop thinking too much or everything that suppose to be flowing correctly will suddenly merge and join into a catastrophe

2010-01-24T06:37:00.001-08:00

Acer's camera doesnt justify how my favourite shade really looks like.

I'm starting to get back the feeling that i thought i'd forgotten.

2010-01-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

afraid that i might agree and do otherwise

2010-01-15T07:25:00.000-08:00

no time for consequences.

What is written above has never been apart or stacked tightly somewhere in my dictionary.

I'm not studying to end up somewhere i don't desire to be. today has been one of the most happiest since the start of the week, school was nothing but a fine line of non-excitement routine, except for when I'm with the girls.

My thoughts, mind, emotion, feelings(note that emotion and feeling is not similar),mood, character, attitude and also heart is not in the right state. Feel like something is not right even though life has been the same, i don't want to be inviting or unconsciously finding for drama to appear, but really, what do i want?

from the girl who cant help but to control everything.

2010-01-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

2010-01-10T09:28:00.000-08:00

i am starting early cause i want to be the one laughing in the end.

i still cant grab onto the idea that it's 2010 and things have to change, cause thats the only constant in life

2010-01-06T02:46:00.000-08:00

happy 2010, late wish.

2009-12-28T11:21:00.001-08:00

Can't believe how handsome my cousin is becoming to be

It's the time of the year again. Silly how a year seems to pass when there's drama, tragedy and joy all mix together. I shall never forget how 2009 has treated me. I'm a contented girl at heart.

2010 wish list.

1) study smart, for O's.

2)set priority right, and try to cope with juggling of school and play

3)be more grateful

4)start doing every little tiny things in my head which i never go around continuing it.

5) diet (Figured that it should be last one the list since the boyfriend would roll his eyes on the never ending weight issue. Oh us girls.

2009-12-25T10:34:00.000-08:00

after 2 years, we are back!

2009-12-19T11:24:00.000-08:00

This is what i've written couple of days before my dad bought me a laptop.

Current situation has been blend and subtle. Plenty of things i've been contemplating about, most involves me mass scenarious about the future and how it is suppose to be in my slant. My cousin and his friend came down to Singapore last Saturday. All is well since my sisters and parents are good/humurous company to be living with. Like what i've said in my previous post or the one earlier,words are not favourable to me anymore since im always lacking of it these past few days, especially when it comes to blogging. There's not many things i wish to share anymore. I cant pour everything out sincerely the way my heart wants to manifest.

i am sorry

2009-12-09T10:30:00.000-08:00

I am so tired, but i cant figure out what I'm tired of.

you are literally too stupid to insult - hangover

2009-12-07T18:48:00.001-08:00

I feel like im not participating enough , just like how i used to in the cyberworld.
no twitter, last.fm, robo.to, tumblr, livejournal, sgflea and so on. Just facebook, which is getting really boring and soon there will be a new website to replace it like how facebook is a substitute to myspace and friendster, no? I feel like running, just plain normal healthy run.

2009-12-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

THANKS FAUZI FOR THE AMAZING CAMERA/PICTURES!

I dont want to be a grouch, but i'm bored to my tits. I mean wits. haha

3rd December was one holly good date! Things were pretty much rocky at the beginning cause everyone was with their own people, talking, playing , cooking or pretty much stoning which i personally think is one of my best skill(s). The late night Paranormal Activity made most hair stands, for me i think the climax was not even up to my standard since it was my second time catching it. Sheryl getting high and doing plenty of stupid things made me so happy cause for the first time i can actually get a hold of myself and see how others are when they're not sane! I thought that the chalet was gonna be dodgy, but thanks to the people who were entertaining and made my face/stomach hurt for laughing so hard. The room wasn't as tatty as i've always imagined it to be. I've always had this things with chalet for being dirty,abysmal and out of place.

2009-12-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

3more days to Friday Im In Love!

2009-12-07T08:17:00.000-08:00

Life has been but another non-British-drama mode, which i think never existed cause most shows or TV series are full of constant drama hitting one by one.

The boy and i are fine, thanks for asking. I need to know my result pronto cause this waiting is eating my up inside, of course not literally or else I'll be like Cassie in Skins already. Fuck you if you think that reference is funny. No I'm not angsty, I'm just bored cause i need to beg off money from my bank aka my father as my pay date delayed again. Not a surprise?

Still waiting for the replies of my job application, i know i sound like one workaholic!

2009-12-02T01:08:00.000-08:00

why do all good things come to an end?

2009-12-01T22:15:00.000-08:00

I know this space has collected the same amount of dust as my old training bras.
working experience with real major circumstances hanging if any honest or not mistake is done.
waking up with my head so heavy cause i got more than the usual 6hours of sleep feels so weird/peculiar. The last day of work makes me feel so sad, the whole virtual world of Hello Kitty that I'm so accustomed to makes the way i breath a little harder. Who knows leaving expo would be this hard. I started off awkward, feeling out of place and unsure, but as time goes by everyone show their real antics. I had no clue that all of them were like me, or a little more sane.
Cant wait for Thursday to meet all of them again at the chalet. To think that my life is dull, what a contradiction to the events that's following up.

2009-11-21T07:43:00.001-08:00

things to take note for people who think they should actually give me a penny worth their time.
1)do not make a fool of yourself. im no English guru but at least i know where i stand.
2)buy/get your own clothes
3) i really hate people wearing dresses and sneakers to mix along with their outfit. SERIOUSLY YOU'RE NO LILY ALLEN OR AVRIL. PLEASE SAVE MANKIND AND DON'T DISGUST US ANY FURTHER. (terms are applied to different people depends on their connection to me)
4)stop using people as human directory and use your own pea brain and learn where to go cause you cant survive if you can get lost in our tiny little red dot city.
5)i'll never be happy unless i see a red hand mark stick to your weird proportion face that doest match the normal arrangement of features unlike the norms..
6)seriously, open your eyes. Not even the boys like you..... delusional much?

oh yeah, haha the whole school knows about a guy gracing his hands over your thighs.
over all the rumors that i heard, this especially makes me a little whole.

2009-11-10T04:47:00.000-08:00

I hope you've calmed down, these things happened due to many reasons. Reasons that are too complex and complicated for us to understand and no, please don't blame yourself cause I've got nothing else to say then i love you. You can count as many flaws you have and list it all down, but I've drowned deep somewhere into your eyes and mind to not realize any of it. To me, little bits of it forms of who you are.

cheer up love

2009-11-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

August 2009 had 5 Saturdays,

5 Sundays and 5

Mondays, all in one month.

This only happens

once in 823 years.

2009-11-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT APART OF THE GRADUATING COHORT I CAN STILL FEEL EXCITED AND PANIC FOR PROM RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT?!
I KNOW THE GIRLS AND I ARE GOING TO ENJOY EVERY SECOND OF IT SINCE I'VE GOT EVERYTHING PLANNED. (HOPEFULLY EVERYTHING GOES SEAMLESS AND SMOOTH, WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPENED IN MY PLANNING SYSTEM) BUT THERE'S ALWAYS PLAN B, WHICH CONSIST OF FUCKING EVERYTHING UP AND LAUGHING AT IT IN THE END CAUSE WE ALL HAD SUCH A BAD TIME THAT IT'S WORTH TO LAUGH AT.